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Saturday, 26 May 2012

Spring Blossoms

This may sound illogical. Or it may even be way overdue. But tonight, I promise that the first day of the rest of my life begins tomorrow.

No more regrets, no more looking back. I may be lost in the lallang but I finally understand that when you are lost, you can either sit and wail for help or you can start moving and find your way out. You can either sink into a mudhole and contemplate all the what-ifs and I shouldn't haves or you can take a step and say, "Ok, that may have been dumb but I didn't know better so let's make like a cow and moooooove".

Life is too good not to share with others. In fact, my life is terrifuckingfic. I can sense getting my sense of self back, I'm in a job that though I'm not crazy about, I enjoy it to a certain degree still. I may not have dated anyone for the past year and a half but so what? Number 6 will come in his own good time and when Fate decrees us to meet.

That's not to say I'll suddenly be a Mary Poppins. But as far as growing up is concerned, I'll no longer view it as a soap opera where I play the tragic heroine but a colourful musical where there will definitely be a beginning, a middle and an end.

Living up to my name, I will continue to see the iridescent light of hope in the beauty of a flower bud glistening in the rain.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

The Phoenix Rises No More

Many times over I keep thinking, now this is the end. It really is The End. I shall not step back into the melee and be tangled with the drama that I thought was my destiny. Each time I tried to strengthened my resolve only to find it crumbling back into that tricky thing called hope. Paired with the underlying fear that perhaps I might be shooting myself in the foot, time and time again I gave it another go.

But this time it's for real. This is the end of Mr Delavega and I. The end of an era, how apt it turned out to be. I'm hitting my third decade and it's time for me to write and live a new adventure. Preferably in one that turns out to be right for me. the right choices, the right man, the right click to the essence of my self.

At the end of the day, what tore me apart from Mr Delavega wasn't the fact that I was kept tumbling along with no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. In the end, it was simply the last argument, the last straw, the last smidgen of hope and love that went out in a blink. It was a wakeup call, one that I had chosen to ignore and snoozed, one that I tried to validate and made excuses for.

In the end, it was simple. I didn't like the person I was becoming. I didn't like having to compromise my principles for love. In fact, I don't think I should be compromising my principles for that supposed love because then, well, you can't really call it love if you have to compromise on your principles, of all things, right?

I didn't like the fact that I was no longer comfortable in my own skin around him. Like I wasn't myself but merely pretending to be a part of myself. I didn't like the fact that I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day I would be caught out. If today was the day I would finally get out. I couldn't hold on to the memories any longer, there was no more affection.

It's been 8 months since. And I've never looked back. Tried not to be pulled back and it's a constant struggle, I tell you. When my own mother is on his side and keeps on harping about giving him another chance, it's difficult to give in. But I've realised that I would rather be cast upon as the black sheep than to compromise myself again.

Theoretically, Mr Delavega was almost perfect but for the presence of his conflict. But realistically, he wasn't Mr Almost Perfect for me. Comfort does not mean chemistry. Security does not mean stability. Love does not mean lifetime.

To compare our relationship to the rising phoenix would in fact gave it more significance and grandeur than it really was. And what it really was is just a chapter in my life. To give it any more importance than that would be to acknowledge the impression that relationship has left. But unfortunately, it's been chalked up to one of the many mistakes I've made in my bid to grow up.

Instead of waiting for the plumage to rise yet again from the ashes, from now on, I'll just saunter along to find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Friday, 29 May 2009

What I Really Really Want

I sit by my window at night, comtemplating out into the world. The stars are not out, the quiet wind became my soothing friend, wisps of soft breeze hugging me. My lit cigarette burns away, a tower of near-crumbling ash lengthens, bent.
It was like any other night, the melancholy and general ambivalence crowding in my head. I don't think too much of it, for it has been my constant companion for the past decade. Is it possible then, that this solitude is what I'm all about?
I thought about my past, my present and what I want my future to be. Each second my resolve strengthened, only to melt away in disappointment at the acid of obstacles tears it away. I contemplated and I thought, what do I really really want?
I want a career that is fully, naturally my own. I want fame and fortune, something that I enjoy, something that brings joy. Some way, somehow. One that propels me to sleep late at night and wake early in the morning cos I just don't want to miss a second of revelling in the job. I want to resent the idea that I have to sleep to rest my body cos that would just tear me away from the joy that is work. I want to skip and twirl and have a huge grin on my face whenever I'm slaving away. I want to be able to widen my eyes in wonder and be thinking, oh my god, I can't believe I'm blessed enough to be doing this!
I want a man that is fully, naturally my own. Someone who supports and protects, someone who won't resent my support and protection too. A man whom I can share my thoughts and my neurosis, my moods and my hypotheses and bottomline is, not only will he understand, he will love me even more for it. He knows my every nuance, my every intention, my every emotion. He knows when I need space and when I need to be held. He does his own thing but like siamese twins, our spirits are entwined - each an individual being but somehow intertwined to double every joy and halved every sorrow. He has his own life, and I have mine but our lives don't collide - it melds, it blends into a beautiful, miraculous third life.
In this modern world of possibilities, it's ironic that in the end, we are unable to choose a plausible destiny. I have been too spoilt, too indulged in the idea that the sky is the limit when the hard, cold truth is that it really isn't. Sometimes, it's best that we get back down to earth. Even though doing so must be the biggest disappointment in one's life.
Maybe that's why people realise that since what they really really want is impossible and incomprehensible, they might as well have declared that what they really really want is a zig-a-zag-ah.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Shot Through the Heart

It always comes as a surprise whenever a flitting thought whips in front of my eyes. Or that acidic clench bursting in my chest, just for that moment. Truth be told, I didn't expect my the break up of my relationship with D to be so.. unmemorable.
I guess it's a culmination of time, as we plod along from one day to the next, there's always that inane knowledge that every step taken is a step towards the finishing. Though I knew, I had hoped the finishing line would be further off and filled with a suprising win. But then again, cliches happened for a reason, the simple reason that it has happened to so many other people.
I am not the exception. Unfortunately, no matter what that movie might seek to inspire in my cautious, practical demeanour. No matter if my romantic, soaring shadow is struggling to break free. I am not the exception.
In a way, I guess we both knew the holiday was a last salvation, a last chance to close the chapter, to say goodbye. And I'm glad that out of the 5 days together, we spent a beautiful time with the four blessed days. And on the fourth, it was too poignant, too heartfelt, too intimate. I have never thought I'd see the day I would literally cry with the beauty of our love together, that I couldn't put up the strength to hold in the brilliance of light coursing through our veins. This is what true love does to people. This is what true love did to me.
Sure, I seemed to have gotten over it quickly enough. Or perhaps it's just for the simple fact that there was nothing more to say. And there really wasn't anything more to say. But the poignancy is there, the bittersweet feeling is there, the sadness that we weren't just strong enough - that you weren't strong enough - is still there. Perhaps we just weren't right for each other, despite the time we had together which seemed to dictate otherwise.
Perhaps we're just two people who needed each other at the right time.
But like I said, you won't be forgotten. You won't be detested, but you won't be thought of most fondly either. Like I said, at times, I've thought of you and a burst of acid clenches my heart, almost as if I'd been shot through the heart. Then invariably, I could feel a choke at the base of my throat and an overwhelming melancholy that I had played my part and though you vehemently denied it, on some sub level you did play your game.
It had been a real pleasure knowing you Mr Delavega, in every sense of the word. It has been a roller coaster ride and on hindsight, I've enjoyed every second of it. The fears, the exhilaration, the tears, the laughter, the pain, the pleasure, the doubts, the convictions, the downs and the ups, the support and the slags, the enlightenment, the molding, the giving and killing of spirit - like a roller coaster ride, it's addictive, it's dangerous and after all that, it hasn't put me off. In fact, I want to get right back into it.
But this time round, I hope the next guy I meet is everything that you're not, and everything that you are.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

There's a Picture of You

I wonder, a year from now would I even care that you chose to take the coward's way out? Just as I promised I wouldn't be the one to take the step to ending the relationship, so you have promised to say it out loud instead of slinking away as you usually do.
I wonder, a year from now would I even care that you chose to hide essential parts of the truth from me - the person you supposedly love? Knowing full well that your habit of telling half-truths is what got me into this chapter in the first place. I admit, with a tinge of shame that I sneaked a peek into your messages. And it wasn't just the 3 of you who went to Thailand. So don't tell me you had no choice, for the choice was staring blindingly at me from the message screen.
I wonder, a year from now would I even care that you chose to deny a civil gesture that last night? That you may see it as a cruel act to be kind but in which I view as a presumptuous opinion of your behaviour is just another reason for me to pick up my feet with more haste. Even if you felt it was better to let go, it would have been preferable, more respectful even to be an adult and enjoy a last evening dinner together instead of leaving me alone and hungry in a strange land.
I wonder, a year from now would I even care that you tried to mold me into a person you see in your tinted glass and didn't even bother to properly discover the real person that is me. It must be a puzzle to you at how I morphed into the person you didn't accept but did it ever occur to you that you metamorphosized too? We should have grown with each other but you chose to grow and keep me stunted.
I wonder, a year from now would I even care that you saw me as a filler, an alternative to your staid life yet you tried to mold me into that selfsame life without caring that it was slowly killing me. Not that you didn't know it. You just didn't care. Cos if you had cared, you would have tried harder to make things right. But brushing off the topic each time it comes up do us no justice. Nor does telling me that it was none of my business because in this triangle, I'm entangled in every part of your business, whether you like it or not.
I wonder, a year from now would I even care that though you showered me with gifts and kisses, time and wishes, in the end all that mattered was us. You weren't ready to have an us. Nor were you brave enough to risk a lot to have an us. It crossed my mind that maybe you weren't aware of this but I didn't want your money, your car, your house, your holidays, your gifts, your dinners. Maybe you weren't aware that all I wanted was for you to accept me.
All of me and only me.